The Excuse

Over the years I have enjoyed a number of exercise activities; swimming, which I still enjoy on Saturdays, all kinds of dancing, yoga and walking, which, not having a car, is also a necessity. However, at school PE was my least favourite subject, an attitude I shared with my best friend. This is an excuse letter I wrote to get her out of one particular games lesson. Unfortunately it was not taken seriously and she had to do the class anyway. The accompanying picture is by Amy.

 

Dear P.E. Staff,

Could you please excuse Alison from her P.E. Lesson as resorcinol and crystalline organic compounds have diffused and demolished her anti-bodies leaving her with a panachronism and making her myopic. She also has a thallium in her central nervous system which has devastated her libido and she is now waiting for 'good old' lobotomy which will hopefully cure her of her schizophrenia and xenophobia. At the moment she is undergoing treatment for her chronic social disorders and we are transferring her to another psychiatrist as the previous one went mad and is now dwelling in a lunatic asylum south of Watford. Despite her leanings towards anarchy and her militant tendencies which cause her to go impuris naturalis, she is strictly and strategically opposed to the filthy capitalist bourgeois pigs and the mediocrity that surrounds the succession of imperialists in pre-revolutionary Prussia. She is willing to disregard her objectives and maintain an elevated degree of over righteous sanity and stability for the good of the welfare state. Alison is a very sensitive five foot five demented gnome, would-be-hippi, who is a member of a samarium, occasional druid and her increasing interest in the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks have led to the acknowledgement of the nuclear fallout shelter in the back garden. She is mentally deficient at the sanest of times and has occasional lapses of intensity which is only too common in manic depressives and delinquents. Alison has an inbuilt inferiority complex which led me to the conclusion that her grey matter is not as green as I once suspected. I have always found her very pleasant when she is not around. She has an atrocious claudication in the ninety degree, neither acute nor obtuse, wooden means of support and she is suffering with convoluted nervous tissue in her skull which has left her with exhaustion and brain fag. We hope that her allegiance with Satan and the fact that she is a hypochondriac and psychopath will not detain her for an abnormal length of time at the sanatorium. I hope you will understand as she still has gruelling primal therapy sessions to overcome.

Yours metaphysically,

The hunched backed antichrist with green teeth and a degree in melodramatic hair-dos with a tendency to hypocrisy

(AKA Alison's mother)