The Poetry of Surrender on Wattpad

I have been meaning to put six poems from my days at SubVerse onto Wattpad for quite some time.

 You can now find them here.

Twiddle muffs for dementia patients

My hospital has been advertising for twiddle muffs and knitting for twiddle muffs for ages. I was going to attempt to make a twiddle muff myself, but I have been feeling too bogged down with life, so, instead, I decided to donate some spare knitting I did earlier in the decade, related to my dolls. I have been having a mega house clear out at the end of 2018, which has been both traumatic and therapeutic at the same time. Below are the fragments of knitting I am donating to the project.

2018 book review on Good Reads

It's been quite a year and a lot of normal life has fallen by the wayside, but at least I managed to read one relatively normal book and review it for Good Reads, here it is below.

 

2018. Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer

In 2017 I became obsessed with the film 'Everest' and in 2018 I read and re-read the book it was based on. Jon Krakauer's 'Into thin air' exposes the fuzzy thinking behind ordinary people's desire to prove themselves in ways they would be better not pursuing. Climbing Mount Everest is a near impossible task for the average human and getting back down again is even more difficult. I read this book when I had my own Mount Everest to ascend and descend, this book helped me face my own difficult endeavours.

Weirdscapes

Weirdscapes from dreams and space have featured a lot in my and Amy's pictures over the years, these are a few of my favourites.

A London Year

I have revisited some of my favourite London places as part of my London Interrupted series of posts and also in my London walks and ALF @ blog posts. There are also memorable places in London I have visited, which I might not visit again until sometime in the distant future, or maybe never. While thinking about them I concluded that they could be appropriate places to visit at different times of the year. Below are these twelve places to visit in my imaginary ‘London Year’.

January-Winter Wonderland

It was a cold, grey day in January when I visited London’s Winter Wonderland. It’s at the other end of Hyde Park and Amy and I had to walk past the Peter Pan statue in Kensington Gardens and the Princess Diana water feature to get there. Winter Wonderland has a Germanic and Scandinavian feel about it, with craft stalls selling wooden and woollen wares, funfair rides, beer taverns and hearty, wintry eateries. When we visited it was crowded and a bit too commercialised for my liking, but still it was different and memorable. Hyde Park probably looks better in the Spring and Summer.

February-London Dungeon

I visited the London Dungeon with Richard, back in the 1990s. I remember it looking like a Hammer Horror film set. What made it really special was our actor-host. He resembled a cross between a plague victim and Jack the Ripper; he had a London roughness about him which made him quite gorgeous. It was a good introduction to London’s shabby, gory history and also had some pretty scary exhibits and a thrilling theme park ride for you to enjoy. If you want more, shabby, gory London history, the museum of London near the Barbican is also pretty good.

March-Museum of childhood

The museum of childhood in Bethnal Green was a lovely opportunity for me to reacquaint myself with the relics of my own childhood. There was a collection of Cindy dolls, teddy bears, doll houses, childhood games I used to play and pieces from a bygone era. The area that really fascinated Amy and I, were the magic lanterns and zoetropes in the animation section. We spent a couple of hours working out animations for a mermaid swimming and a girl eating. Then we went home and worked on ballerinas dancing. These later were developed into ALF animations using GIF animator and movie maker. The results of this work can be found on the LornaJHart YouTube channel.

April-Handel Museum

The Handel Museum is a very small museum in Central London. It occupies several floors of a London townhouse. Amy and I visited it to partake in a Easter Egg hunt. The museum was possibly quite quiet and demure on usual days with its pristine glass cabinets in small, grey rooms, but on this particular day it was full of small children running up and down stairs and from room to room looking for Easter Egg hunting clues.

May-Kew Gardens

Kew Gardens has many associations for my family. I used to work next door to it, my dad used to work in it. We used to visit practically every summer, we still do. It’s all very lovely. My favourite bits are the treetop walk, the palm houses, the pagoda, the queen’s beasts, the alpine garden, the Princess of Wales conservatory and the Marianne North Gallery. The most special part for us now is the wooded area near Queen Charlotte’s Cottage, it is here we scattered my dad’s ashes.

June-Camden Market

Camden Market is great for a visit at any time of year. It has an intriguing interior in an exquisite wrought iron Victorian market place structure and a buzzing exterior next door to the canal, where you can indulge in various foodie delights from across Europe and around the world. Both inside and out you can buy ethnic and eco-friendly clothes, bags and accessories. Amy bought a tree t-shirt, some interesting jewellery and a deathly hallows key ring.

July-London Zoo

One summer Amy and I and Amy’s Swedish aunt and cousin, took a canal boat ride from Camden Lock to Regent’s Park, which takes you to the back of London Zoo, near the very impressive aviary, which looks like something out of Jurassic park. I can safely say that a pleasant day was had by all. I have visited London Zoo often in my life; I remember Guy the gorilla when he was alive not just a statue. The reptile house is particularly memorable and also significant for Harry Potter fans. London Zoo is one popular tourist destination we may revisit. Amy thinks it may help her overcome her fear of spiders.

August-Imperial War Museum

There is much more to the Imperial War Museum than just uniforms and weapons. Over the years the museum has expanded more into the psychology of war and the impact it has on civilians leading ordinary lives. Poignant exhibitions include the holocaust centre where you can read personal testimonies and see photographs from people caught up in the horror of these times. When we last visited there were two interactive exhibits which gave you a fleeting taste of life in the two world wars. The first was the trench experience from the first world war and the second was the blitz experience from the second world war. Both were sobering food for thought.

September-Madame Tussauds

Mum, Dad, Amy and I all agreed that our visit to Madam Tussaud’s was a relentless day and the only respite came in the early evening when we were enjoying dinner in Pizza Express, across the road from Baker Street Station. Nevertheless Madame Tussaud’s was on our list of London places to visit and visit it we did. We queued for three hours inside and out before we got our tickets to enter the waxworks museum. We were in a moving queue throughout Madame Tussaud’s pausing now and then to enjoy the exquisitely modelled celebrities both contemporary and historical. Mum had to go back to visit the Beatles. I’m glad we went, but we will not be hurrying back.

October-Royal Observatory

When I was a teenager I loved seeing the star shows and light shows in the planetarium next door to Madame Tussaud’s. Unfortunately the planetarium has been consumed by Madame Tussaud’s and is not what is used to be. These days the best place for a starry show in London is the Royal Observatory; in Greenwich. Last time we visited we watched a film about the sun, explaining why is is like the other stars in the night sky. We got to fly all over the galaxy visiting Betelgeuse and the crab nebula amongst other places. Also at the observatory is a brief history of time and measurement and a chance to cross the meridian line.

November-Covent Garden

I have been a frequent visitor to Covent Garden over the years. It is always a pleasure to visit it. It has become a bit over-gentrified in recent years, but the arts and crafts are well worth considering, there is a nice cafe in the middle of it and a good pub on the lower level. Shopping is also good, a couple retro toy shops, a soap shop and a book shop. Also in the area is the transport museum and the Royal Opera House. Street entertainment in the area is usually quite spectacular.

December-British Museum

The British Museum often gets into the news, because of the disputes surrounding what exhibits are held there and who actually owns them. The Elgin Marbles come to mind, they were originally Greek. The building itself is very impressive with an amazing enclosed but spacious forecourt leading to the various themed areas. The British museum is perhaps best known for its collection of paraphernalia from Ancient Egypt including mummies. This was still the most exciting and popular area to see when I last visited the British Museum.

Twelve days on YouTube

ALF's 'Twelve days of Christmas' has been on YouTube since Spring 2014 and has been viewed over a thousand times. The project started in 2009, when Amy and I became obsessed with the song and we developed our pictures for all twelve of the different days. The pictures also exist as a collection of Christmas cards.

Compassion and me

I've been exploring third wave CBT for practically all this year, starting with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Lately I have been exploring DBT and Compassion Focused therapy. At first I didn't really get CFT, I thought it would be too light for me. Recently, though, I have found compassion, especially self-compassion, to be particularly important for my own journey of healing and recovery. Whenever things feel particularly difficult I find being kind to myself about my struggles and endeavours and failures and also widening my compassion towards people I share my life with and beyond that, really helps. I have been doing the Loving-Kindness meditation with my daughter since July, I feel it has also been helping. I have been practising mindfulness since March 23rd, recently, on the morning of November 14th, I was sitting in a coffee shop in Harrow when I experienced a feeling of great inner peace. I felt the most calm, zen-like or Nirvana-ish perhaps, than I possibly had ever felt before. I think this feeling will come and go, but at least I know I can feel like that sometimes. I am looking for more peace and calm in my life, at the moment I find it in half-hour pauses in cafes and pubs. Above and below are examples of colouring sheets I have created  to help me in my new acceptance-based, compassionate and mindful way of being.

   

The following blog posts show the therapeutic journey I have been on this year, starting with ACT in February and ending with CFT in November. It is interesting to see where I started from and where I am now.

1. Welcome to the third wave (September)

2. A guide to guided meditations (August)

3. Yoga for Stress Relief (July)

4. Mindful ACT : favourite resources (June)

5. Breathe (May)

6. Mindful Colouring and Doodling (May)

7. Stoic quotes and mindfulness plus (April)

8. The Yin and Yang of ACT  (February) 

Extra Resources

Mindfulness Plus on Pinterest

Mindful Meditations on YouTube

CFT Books

The Compassionate Mind by Paul Gilbert

Croydon, Robinson, 2009

Mindfulness based compassionate living by E. van Der Brink and F. Koster

Hove, Routledge 2015

Exploring Bhuddist-Christianity

After completing my '5B450' projects last year, leading up to my 50th birthday, I have found myself on some kind of spiritual-psychological-philosophical quest. One of the journeys this has taken me on is a progressive shifting away from Christianity towards Buddhism, which is surpirsing and refreshing. These are the three books that have been accompanyinging me on my journey.

When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron

I was going through a very difficult time when I read this book. I found it very wise. Pema has written other books too, which I have enjoyed reading, 'The places that scare you', 'The wisdom of no escape' and 'Start where you are', but I enjoyed this book the most. In 'When Things Fall Apart' Pema first talks about her spiritual inspiration from doing nothing for twelve months. The book is about giving up struggles against fear and anger and a lot of other negative emotions as well. It explores the Buddhist ideas about letting go of everything. A lot of what I have been reading echoes what I was exploring through writing about aspects of surrender in my poetry group SubVerse. I think a lot of things are related but none of them hold the complete answer. Possibly because there are no complete answers. I think that's possibly a very Buddhist conclusion. It also explains why the best thing is to just live in the moment, hopefully the present moment is OK. I have only just started exploring Buddhism, at the moment I am getting a good deal out of it. I hope I will pursue this spiritual practice further, possibly with the help of the Vietnamese Buddhist Thich Nhat Hanh.

The Book of Joy by Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu

The Book of Joy is a big book about the week when the Dalai Lama met his friend Archbishop Desmond Tutu, to celebrate a big birthday. The book starts with a reflection on human fragility and moves on to exploring negative feelings that mask joy; these are fear, anger, sadness, despair, loneliness, envy, suffering, mortality. The book then goes on to discuss the eight pillars of joy which are perspective, humility, humour, acceptance, forgiveness, gratitude, compassion, generosity. The three most practical things I got from this book were the Breathing Practice, Tonglen Practice and Acceptance Meditation. The book is written in a simplistic, friendly way. The Buddhist books I have been reading by Thich Nhat Hanh and Pema Chodron have been a lot more in-depth.

Becoming like Jesus by C.J.H. Wright

I've been a church-going Christian for over ten years. My favourite bit of the bible is St Paul and in particular his verses on the fruits of the spirit; 'The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, against such things there is no law,' Galatians 5: 22-23. There is a lot of love in this book and to me that is what jesus was all about; love. It was about replacing the old testament law enforcement with this one statement 'the entire law is fulfilled in keeping one command: love your neighbour as yourself,' Galatians 5: 14. I've always tried to an open minded, free thinking person, a liberal Christian, I find myself now leaning more towards, Buddhism, due to life difficulties and embracing both Stoicism and ACT. That said I still have room for Jesus in my life and this book helps to explain why. There is a lot to think about and at the moment I am looking for positive practical stuff to keep me going. Positive practical Christian stuff you can do is go to church, pray and bring more of the fruits of the spirit into you own life and sphere of influence.

Lavender birds

My owl matryoshkas were inspired by nursing mentorship and education books and the lavender swallows were inspired by a digital collage I produced a few years ago called 'The birds of the air', which also features the lyrics to my song 'Phoenix'. Please see the images below for more details.

 

Aurora's Gifts

These star heart dolls are in celebration of the three gifts the fairy godmothers give Princess Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) at her christening; Beauty, Grace and Melody. The three gifts have also inspired this new digital collage.

Soft Dolly Furnishings

       

These soft dolly furnishings are modelled by Patience, a Star Heart Doll made mostly from material purchased in the Gold Hawk Road, Shepherd's Bush, London, an area well known for the number of fabric shops it possesses. The soft furnishings include a flowerly sheet, linen and knitted cushions, knitted rainbow blankets and patchwork doll quilts. I love knitting and needlework, but because of time limitations I find doll sized projects much more doable.

     

Tea pots and tea cosies

In 2016, when Amy was doing her GCSE exams, I was feeling so stressed out that I felt I needed to work on a simple, but useful knitting project to help calm my nerves. At the same time we also needed a tea cosy.

I found a really simple tea cosy pattern on the internet involving knitting two large squares and sewing and tying them together into the appropriate tea cosy shape. I was pleased with the results, both the tea cosies and Amy’s GCSEs.

 

Welcome to the Third Wave

My introduction to third wave CBT came with reading the Happiness Trap by Russ Harris which introduced me to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Discovering the other third wave therapies has been like a journey which has finally led me to Buddhism.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

The six core processes at work in ACT are

1. Values

2. Committed action

3. Acceptance

4. Defusion

5. Mindfulness

6. Observing self

Working on and with the processes you can develop psychological flexibility which makes you able to better handle anything life might throw at you. One of the main areas ACT helps with is experiential avoidance, it is a kind of 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' therapy.

I was very excited when  I found out that psychology had moved on and was now putting acceptance ahead of positivity. Accepting the negative and committing to the positive seemed such a good way to go. 

The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris really opened my mind up to a new way of viewing and living my life. I would also recommend Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Dummies which includes many helpful practical exercises.

Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR)

Main Book Read: Wherever you go, there you are by Jon Kabat-Zinn
New York, Piatkus, 2004

This is a lovely book, guiding you in meditation, but not with the easy guided meditations you get in the third wave therapy books. As far as I can tell the new mindfulness based therapies started with Jon Kabat-Zinn and his Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction programme which requires participants to meditate for forty-five minutes every day. I really enjoyed Full Catastrophe Living, it was very long and very wise. I have two of his guided meditation CDs which are very helpful. He has certainly encouraged me to give Buddhism a go. I love what I have found out about Buddhism and have decided to attempt to persevere with it.

Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT)

The two books I have about MBCT revolve around the '8 week mindfulness course'. The courses look more or less like this:

Week 1 involves waking up from autopilot through becoming aware of your breath
Week 2 introduces more body awareness with the body scan meditation
Week 3 involves mindful movement, a kind of basic yoga
Week 4 involves listening to music more mindfully
Week 5 explores difficulties through guided meditation
Week 6 introduces the loving-kindness meditation
Week 7 involves cultivating mindful routines
Week 8 expands mindfulness into daily life

Mindfulness by Williams and Penman also includes helpful and extremely short meditations like the 1 minute meditation, the 3 minute breathing space meditation, the chocolate meditation and the frustrating queue meditation. The Beginners Guide to Mindfulness also includes useful breath awareness and body scan meditations as well as exercises on making space for difficult emotions, observing your thinking, developing non-judging skills and developing more mindful routines.

Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT)

At the heart of CFT is kindness, humanity and acceptance. This therapy involves relaxation exercises, being at peace, listening to sad music and visualisations such as 'safe place' and 'flow of life'. There is a lot of mindfulness in it. I found it a bit too light for me, I have a dark side which I have made friends with, there does not seem to be much space for this in CFT.

In Mindfulness Based Compassionate Living I encountered another breathing space meditation and the compassionate body scan. It explained the differences between the three psychological systems of Threat, Drive and Soothing, and how we can tune into them when we need them. This therapy introduces these four Buddhist friends for life: 

1. Loving-kindness. 

2. Compassion. 

3. Sympathetic joy. 

4. Equanimity. 

It also explains that living happily requires three fundamental qualities: your life should be pleasant, engaged and meaningful. I have found this to be the least helpful third wave therapy I have encountered.

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT)

DBT is the last therapy I have been exploring. In many ways it has been the most practical and helpful. DBT seems to have a lot in common with the 'Serenity Prayer' used by Alcoholics Anonymous. The dialect being between acceptance and change.

'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference'
Reinhold Niebuhr

It involves many practical coping strategies to help people cope with strong moods and emotions. These include distraction and soothing skills, doing more positive and enjoyable things, having goals, creating a crisis plan, as well as mindfulness.

DBT addresses these four areas of therapeutic intervention in great detail

1. Distress tolerance
2. Mindfulness
3. Emotion regulation
4. Interpersonal effectiveness.

Guided meditations for DBT include visualisations, naming emotions, relaxation, loving-kindness and the ubiquitous breath awareness and body scan. Other useful DBT ideas are keeping a mood diary, emotion exposure and developing assertiveness skills. It all seems to be very practical and helpful, especially for teenagers and people with BPD.

Basic Buddhism

Seeing as all these third wave therapies seem to have a big Buddhist element in them, I have concluded that I might just as well become a basic Buddhist. I think I will become more involved in Buddhism when I am older, but for the time being, with family, home and work commitments being what they are, basic Buddhism will have to do. These are the Buddhist ideas I am most eager to explore.

Impermanence
Compassion
Selflessness
Mindfulness
Non-judging
Letting-go

My favourite book I have so far discovered on basic Buddhism is the Art of Living by Thich Nhat Hanh, London, Rider, 2017. Other books with really good, basic Buddhist guided meditations have been Buddha's Brain and Siddhartha's Brain.

Selected Bibliography

ACT

Acceptance and commitment therapy for Dummies by Brown and Gillard

Chichester, John Wiley and sons, 2016

The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris

London, Robinson, 2008

MBSR

Wherever you go, there you are by Jon Kabat-Zinn

New York, Piatkus, 2004

MBCT

Mindfulness by M. Williams and D. Penman

London, Piatkus, 2011

A beginner's guide to mindfulness by Bohlmeijer and Hulsbergen

Maidenhead, OU Press, 2013

CFT

The Compassionate Mind by Paul gilbert

Croydon, Robinson, 2009

Mindfulness based compassionate living by E. van Der Brink and F. Koster

Hove, Routledge 2015

DBT

Don't let your emotions run your life for teens by  Van Dijk

Oaklane, Instant Help Books, 2011

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by McKay, Wood and Brantley

Oakland, New Harbinger, 2007

Basic Buddishm

The art of living by Thich Nhat Hanh

London, Rider, 2017

Buddha's Brain by Rick Hanson

Oakland, New Harbinger, 2009

Siddartha's brain by James Kingsland

London, Robinson, 2018